AxonDraft Onereview

-Try adding some of your own experiences / stories to the essay. This will add some authenticity to your belief. It will show your audience how you came to this belief.

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I also think about the things I’ve let go to spoils or the wasteful byproducts of goods that often end up in our landfills. Other important considerations include, how something was created, the circumstances it was created under etc. Who am I to an individual benefactor of land destruction and substandard working conditions? Not to say it’s proper that anyone should benefit from such injustices but to be aware of the reality of origin of that we claim ownership. Even if something is “ecologically and fairly” sourced, I am not responsible for its being. Being responsible to something sounds more like it to me. I’m not entirely sure what that looks like in today’s world, but I do know that means working towards a balance where no one person is left to suffer for the benefit of others.  Then applying this same reason to the earth and that which we take from it. When the environment around us thrives we inherently benefit.

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It is my belief that the notion of private property is a fallacy and contributes separateness and our ultimate demise. This is not an argument for minimalism but an exploration into the interconnection of all things.

I really liked the topic for this piece, I think its topical (puns hehe), and can even relate back to some of the things we are learning in other courses (responsibility to the things we share space with and the earth rather than ownership over).

-There are a few issues with grammar and sentence construction. Please proofread your work carefully, and seek help with Tutoring to help you identify these issues.

Hey David! This essay reads really well! I enjoyed the flow of your essay and consider your altruistic philosophy admirable! I am fascinated by this topic and would maybe like to hear some examples on how to apply this on a small scale for everyday people so they and I can understand and implement these ideas into our life. Awesome read dude!! cheers Andy

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Hey David! I think that your first draft is a really good start, and I really like the monopoly board comment at the end. It really helps bring home the concept of owning things just to say you own them. I found that maybe you could have included more personal experience to help boost your voice though. I know you use the one example, but it seems pretty broad. Maybe there is a more specific example that you could bring to the table. Great Job!

-Reconsider your introduction. You’ve stated your belief there, but try to make the topic more inviting for your readers. Often I find a story or anecdote is a good way to pull your reader in, and get them engaged with your topic. Merely stating what your topic will be comes off as a bit dry.

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-You might consider re-wording your belief statement. I feel like the way you’ve worded it (in the intro) doesn’t quite fully express what you’re saying throughout the essay. You aren’t so much calling for the abolishment of private property as you are asking us to reconsider our relationship to property (or something…).

-The tone of voice you’ve used for this essay is well-suited to the topic. However at a few points you get deeply philosophical and a bit abstract, and it’s possible you will lose some of your readers here. You might reconsider rephrasing some points; however you also could add some real life situations / examples / stories to help clearly illustrate the concepts your bringing up (see point below).

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You have an excellent narrative flow, great use of syntax, and exploring alternative phrasing to what we would usually revert to.

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This essay made me think, and reflect on my own relationship with my possessions and try to incorporate more care and consideration into that relationship.

We all have needs to be met and we ought not give everything away. Rather care for what you have and realize it comes from a planet that is not charging us to be here. Resources are widely available but if we collect them like properties on the monopoly board they become inaccessible creating a culture of scarcity and furthering ecological devastation.

Have you ever heard the saying: “The coat in your closet that goes unworn does not belong to you but rather to the person without a coat”? When I hoard physical resources, I see it as a burden on myself and a disservice to humanity. For example, I’ve had a history of collecting second hand clothes that I believe “might fit the bill” for the various activities in my life. I have seen them as cheap, disposable and more than worth the investment especially if they are of quality. I’m happy to have clean clothes to put on after a day’s work but often don’t need as much as I’ve taken home. Now not only is the precious storage space in my apartment difficult to navigate but I also deprived someone else of valuable resources. The clutter in my life makes organization an unnecessary struggle and adds to the feeling of internal mess. One should have an active and caring relationship with that we claim possession to benefit from the idea of ownership. It’s important to reflect, take stock and evaluate down the road what the best uses for our resources are. Without use things become useless and even a burden. Where can it be of better use and does that use external to our self not also benefit us.

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We all have needs to be met and we ought not give everything away. Rather care for what you have and realize it comes from a planet that is not charging us to be here. Resources are widely available but if we collect them like properties on the monopoly board they become inaccessible creating a culture of scarcity. We can begin to examine this on a personal level but a more important question might be: At what level does “ownership” take place where it is creating adverse impacts for us all.

Really liked how in depth you went with your points, it made them very easy to understand. Just make sure the grammar relates to the subject! Overall great writing the topic is very raw, great job!

-The body of the essay flows well, and works through your belief in a logical, clear way. Just watch some of you abstract language use and consider adding more real life examples (see comment above).

Have you ever hear the saying: “The coat in your closet that goes unworn does not belong to you but rather to the person without a coat”? When we hoard physical resources I see it as a burden on ourselves and a disservice to humanity. Perhaps the clutter in ones life makes organization an unnecessary struggle or adds to the feeling of internal mess. One should have an active and caring relationship with that we claim possession to in order to benefit from the idea of ownership. This activity does not need to be immediate but could be cyclical or planned for the future even. Then becoming important to reflect, take stock and evaluate down the road what the best uses for our resources are. Without use can things not become useless and even a burden? Where can it be of better use and does that use external to our “self”not also benefit us? I want to draw on an example from my own life as I’ve had a history of collecting second hand clothes that I believe “might fit the bill” for the various activities in my life. I have seen them as cheap and disposable, more than worth the investment especially if they are of quality. I usually end up wearing the same things and although I’m happy to have clean clothes to put on going out after a day of work on the farm, I didn’t need as much as led myself to believe. Now not only is my precious storage space in my apartment difficult to navigate but I also deprived someone else of what I saw as a great deal. Sure I can go donate them again but that will take time and energy . We can also think about the things we let go to spoils that often end up in our landfills or consider the belief that something is our right, do all people not share the same needs and have the same rights? When the environment around us thrives we inherently benefit.

Hi David. I think this a very good first draft, and looking forward to reading your final draft. You have a great vocabulary, and offer a unique perspective on things. To give you some constructive criticism, I think even though you have an authentic voice, I believe you hold back when it comes to emotion; sometimes it read more like an Essay than a “This I Believe”. Keep up the good work.

I want to explore the concept of ownership as we see it in our society. It is my belief that the notion of private property is a fallacy and contributes to the feeling of separateness. This is not to say that we should not personalize our relationship with the objects in our life but rather explore the interconnection of all things and give credit to this reality.